How do I continue to live?

I have used the website often for many things and I thank everyone here for all the help I have indirectly received. But now I must post something I'm sure many people hate seeing on this website, but I have noticed there are many of these types of posts. I am contimplating suicide, in fact I have been on and off since I was eight-years-old. I'm saying this here simply because I have nowhere else to turn. I'm messed up...very messed up. I was d when I was seven, though many people I know refuse to take it seriously as I was d by a boy my own age. I grew up confused and promiscuous; often fantasizing about being kidnapped and used as an object for --these are fantasies I had from seven on to about age thirteen. I always wanted to be cute and little, but even at age eight I felt I was much too old to be cute anymore. I felt ugly and gross. And even now, though I'm seventeen and many have told me I am attractive, I still feel gross and old. I can't live being grown up, I know that sounds stupid but that is how I feel. I was meant to die when I first attempted suicide as a child, there I would have been remembered as a sweet little boy. Now I am just a troubled teen and a failure. Worst of all is certain thoughts I have...as I aged my fantasies did not. First I fantasized as being a child...then I started fantasizing about being with a child. I'm sick--totally ****** up. So how do I live? How do I keep going although I have no purpose, I'm perverted and I feel such excrutiating emotional pain constantly? I really need someone to answer that for me.